Sunday, July 22, 2012

A piece of my heart I share

If you have been following my blog for some time or if you are just joining, you may realize that I am not a very verbal person.  I am a person that likes to sit back and watch the world most of the time, jumping in when certain events touch my heart and soul.  For instance, when I was younger I wanted to have 10 children, as time went on I hoped and prayed for 2.  After 5 miscarriages, and being diagnosed with a sever case of Endometriosis causing me to have two surgeries to save my reproductive organs and lower abdominal organs, my hopes of having children lessened and lessened each year that passed.

In 2005 after such heartache, I was pregnant.....and joy sank into my heart.  Six weeks into my pregnancy I had this weird feeling, something wasn't right....and off to the hospital I went.  Once examined I found out that the scar tissue was so bad inside of me that the baby did not pass from my tubes and was lodged near my left ovary.   Emergency surgery was scheduled as I was literally bleeding to death inside as my tube had ruptured.

Months went by with a deep depression building within.  So I made a conscious decision to have a radical hysterectomy, forever denying me the chance of having children of my own.  As I see my friends and family have children, the depression hits me harder and harder.  As the years have passed I have come to realize that everything happens for a reason, even if you don't understand it at that time.  Today, I realize that I am here for a reason, and I give joy to my family and friends just being me.

And today I have been blessed.  My friend Rachel is 7 months pregnant, I have been by her side since day one and plan to be here to the very end, so much that she has blessed me with the greatest privilege a woman can have.  She asked me to be in the delivery room with her during the birth of her daughter, she has even asked that I video the experience.  If you could of seen my face today as the tears ran down my face, you would of seen that this special request has made me whole.  Now I know its not the same as actually becoming a mom, but it is as close as I'm gonna get anytime soon and I truly love my relationship with Rachel and her family and am honored to be a part of this with them.  She is due September 24....I'll keep you posted with every, well almost every detail as time gets closer.


  1. I am so happy for you and can't wait to see how your life will change after being part of life's most miraculous event.

  2. Awe...thank you for sharing this with us and I am so excited you will be experiencing this event. I am truely happy for you Tamra

  3. Hi Tamra. I am so happy you will be sharing such a special time with your friend. I hear and feel the pain you shared (I never had children of my own although I wanted to...) and just went through a hysterectomy myself. Even tho I was perimenopausal, there's still a great sense of loss.
    I have, however, been richly blessed by my goddaughter, my friends children and stepchildren. Praying you will be, too! Blessings, Sharon

  4. Your blog touched me today and I had to comment! This is so similar to my life experience, I too was the labor coach to my sister-in-law and best friend, an amazing experience :) we went on to adopt 4 beautiful children from around the world (USA,S.Korea,2 from the Philippines.) Ha! Careful what you wish for :) His plans are not our plans, but life is always good! Blessings!

  5. Hi Tamara, I'm also so touched by your post. I too had difficulty in conceiving and suffered from related depression. In the end, I adopted my second child from China. My life is at peace now. I am happy to hear that you are a labor coach for your friend! Everyone has a purpose or reason for being in this world-- whether it be being a friend, a spouse, a good, caring person. Like my latest card said-- Just Be! U!

    Thanks Maureen CTMH Something to Scrap About

  6. what a blessing that you will be there when your friends little one comes into the world. I see incredible joy and a very special relationship in your future.

  7. This is amazing that you can open up and tell your story here. I am so happy that you are going to get to share in such an amazing experience. Although I am blessed w/ children of my own, I also, know in part what you are going through. I've experienced several miscarriages, one tubal pregnancy, and yrs thinking I wasn't going to be able to have more than one, and I know, you'd love to have just one. There are still ways that you can have those children you've always dreamed of and I pray that you will be blessed however that might be. I am so glad I stopped by your blog today. I have been checking it out since you won the contest at convention. I LOVED your work! May you be blessed abundantly.


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